Vokal4Him

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I QUIT!

Take this job and shove it... I ain't workin' here no more....

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I bring you.... me.... I've been gone for quite some time, and I really feel like I've been...well... GONE.
Over the summer to help out, I took on a stay at home job that was supposed to be about 15 hours a week. It was perfect, my world was great, I was volunteering at church, doing a few weddings for people at the church, getting to know people, making friends, getting ready for the new school year with my kids, because I home-school, too...
The saga continues.... What started out as 15 hours, quickly turned into 30.... at this point, things became a little hectic, as the school year had just started and I was now doing three different grade levels at home, plus laundry for five, and meals for 8 ( the family we live with), and general upkeep, remembering to shower....remembering to tell my kids to shower, and other daily "mom" tasks... I was barely hanging on, but hanging I was, and still smiling.....
Tragedy..... My job then spiraled into a 50 hour work week!!!! Needless to say, things started falling by the wayside, most days I'd go back to bed, still in the jammies I never had time to change out of! It became ludicrous, with 25 hours a week of school, plus work, I was pulling 75 hours of just work, with no "mom" stuff added in, but still doing it... At this point, I noticed my hair falling out, my smile starting to sag, and tears falling for no apparent reason, other than my cup was runnething (is that right?) over.... Wow, could it get worse????
I was still volunteering for the worship team, which at this time was the only thing that would fill my tank and fill me with joy, because at this point, it was also my only opportunity to spend time with God... Oh I missed Him SO!!! It HURT!!
And at this point, I began this self-destructive criticism of myself, which led to a dark place... self-doubt, I wasn't being a good mom, I wasn't being a good wife, I wasn't being a good daughter to God... I felt like a failure, the only one getting the best of me was my boss who kept pushing for more with no thanks or incentive...
Time to take inventory.....I felt like junk, and had the nagging feeling that I was missing something...the light went off... I had the revelation that feeling like junk was so not of God, and I had to figure everything out! Had to do something!! But What?!
Next move: so I prayed....and I prayed...and the more I prayed, the more the answer became clear....but how? I was scared... I couldn't just quit... What was going to happen?? And God kept whispering, Let Go, and Let ME..... He wanted me to give the reins to Him.... Dog-gone it! I know that! But it's hard, Lord!
Next Day: My boss made changes to the running of the business that put me on a strict schedule, not allowing for the flexibility of having school, which was why he hired me to work from home in the first place....made changes making me use my cellphone to field calls from Realtors...something he didn't ask me to do, just assigned.... and then asked me to verify all my work on an hourly basis.... Ok!!!
The straw broke the proverbial camel's back.... I felt the change in me like a raging bull.... no WAY was I going to give up my kids schooling, no WAY was I going to be able to be there only for him, and let go further of God and my husband... No WAY, NO WAY!!! I felt like my insides were just shouting!!!!
An hour later: I e-mailed him.... after weeks of explaining that I couldn't take on more, him saying it would be okay, we'd work it out, and assigning me more anyway....I QUIT!!!!!!! I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT! And never have a felt so relieved over the prospect of losing so much! That same day I received so MUCH affirmation that my decision would be okay, that I cried with joy. Within minutes came the prospect of another job, within minutes, my dedication to the vocal ministry at church grew!!! Within hours I was making connections with people at church that I found I needed in my life, but had never had the chance to speak to!! Within a day, I had fallen back into the swing of being me... of teaching my kids and having FUN with it, of hearing my kids LAUGH during school, of just sitting and being with my husband, and giving him JUST me for a few moments, with no distractions.....and we took the time to PRAY together... AMEN! Within a day, new opportunities for growth within the church came upon me...and I just felt like.... Thank You GOD for bringing me HOME.. I've missed you soooo.... Oh how I've missed You... thank You for being so quick about letting me know You were just waiting for me to turn back to You...
Finally: Surrender.... God... I pray to never lose sight of You again... I pray to never allow myself to be so overwhelmed with life, that I somehow allow You to be pushed aside... Without You being the Head, I have discovered I can't be the heart...the heart for my kids, the heart for my husband, they deserve what only You can work through me.... Thank YOU for not giving up on me... I never left You...and am so glad You never leave me.... I praise You for showing me the peace that passes all understanding and for loving little old me....

Mama Lil': 6
World: 0

1 John 3: 16-18

Humbled

Okay ladies and gentlefolk...here it is.. I know it's been a while and for that I apologize, but hopfully it's worth the wait? Where to begin.
Let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start...
Choir. Wow. Who'd a thunk it?
First let me say that I am honored and humbled to have been asked, and to have been a part of such a tremendous worship experience. When Derrick approached me about leading the choir, I thought... "Lord? Are You sure?" I didn't hear a no, so I said yes.. I was excited to be sure, but at the same time, here I was treading in new territory again.. "Thanks, God". And a very real part of me was second-guessing myself again, and in doing so, I was second-guessing the power of letting God work through me. Did I let it stop me? No. Did I once again learn something amazing in letting Him lead? Yes... Oh yes... About myself, and more importantly, about Him. When He wants something to happen...and he wants YOU to do it...doesn't matter if you've done it before, doesn't matter if you've done it a thousand times, somewhere buried inside of you is this wonderful little treasure trove of gifts placed by God that is ready for such a time as this.. He's just waiting for you to tap those resources that He so lovingly placed there for you that will enable you to do so much more than you ever dreamed.. and for HIS GLORY!!! He just needs the time to be right...and this was one of those times...Praise God!
Is this something that I keep learning? Yes it is.. The first time was a few months ago during the Beautiful series. Did I think I could sing that song? No... Did I feel embarassed to sing that song? Yes... Did it stop me? No.. I'm learning to hold on the reins and let His wild horse fly... And what came out of that was this newfound strength, courage, and confidence that I was blessed by HIM...by HIM, and yes, it's okay to flourish in those gifts given by HIM! And HE loves me as I am...not as the world may see me, but as I am, in my heart, and in my deep abiding love for HIm...How much more in awe am I that HE thought enough of me...simple me... to gift me in such a way that no man has ever influenced... I've never had a lesson, never wanted to...some of that is where my fear was to sing like that for people... this untrained, kind of wild voice that just breathes God... and where did that lead??
Next lesson, the choir.. Just when I had been touched by this love from Him, once again, He taught me to tap those resources that were lying dormant..gifts still wrapped in beautiful trappings...just waiting... And Derrick, once again, giving me a chance, to reveal more about myself I just didn't know. There we were at the first practice and I'm interacting, and loving on you people, and singing, and guiding, and I took a step back and went... "Oh My Gosh".. This feels so right.. God? Are you serious? I've never felt so at home.... it was easy... I loved every second of being with all of you... of working together to do something wonderful for my Father..
It was almost effortless, and yet there was so much joy being with you...just being with you... I was so blessed by each of you individually, your smiles, your excitement, your passion, your joy, wow, my cup runneth over! I sit hear trying not to cry, in thanks and praise for my wonderful Father who I know is crying out to me to find my place in this world, and take it...and know that He is with me every step of the way, and not to fear, because He is with me.. Did I think my Faith was big before? Yes, Do I think so now looking back? No... not nearly...do I want it to grow?? Desperately! I am ready to make Him proud of me, and to not lack the confidence that will lead me to greater things in Him... Apparently I have a problem with this area, or He wouldn't be driving it home so deeply, and for that I'm grateful, for in each new lesson comes greater strength and joy in growing as a person. And greater reassurance that He is there. He will carry me.
As for today, any of you reading this that was in the choir or was a part in anyway, let me say thank you for your willingness to serve in such a great way, thank you for your time, your heart, your love...thank you for being instrumental in teaching me something in return... and May I say, regardless of how awkward it may make some of you :) I love you all... I very dearly do... each of you was so special, in your kind words, in your excitement, in allowing me to lead you... thank you. Praise God for His great works. You all were so very awesome, and to feel that power at my back just drove me to a deeper place of worship, I was truly energized by your presence.

Have I said too much? There's nothing more I can think of to say to you...
But all you have to do is look at me to know that every word is true....

May God bless your days, and may you be learning to walk with Him as I am. Each and every day a new beginning.

Mama Lil' - 5!
World - 0